1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. Salt
1 C brown sugar
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat if necessary.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift the cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
If that gives you a headache, try one of these:
DAMNITOL : Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to 2 days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMET When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
(Re-reading old, saved emails? What, moi? Of course if you have Sars or work to do and none of those do the trick, try Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin. It helps if you know the tunes to any Mary Poppins songs, or at least supercalifragelistic.)