Rude Rant

This particular post is going to go near the knuckle, which is rare for me. Blame it on Aunty Whiplash - maybe she's resurfacing.
Consider this sentence to be a warning of potentially offensive content - definitely over 18. Don't scroll down if its not your cup of tea. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, etc etc.








This morning I have laughed so much that my sides hurt, courtesy of Annie who pointed me to the most bizarre blog ever. I will link to that blog by private request only because whilst I am wetting myself laughing at this guy's pitiful and conceited misconceptions, it doesn't mean I am going to correct him or humiliate him.

Ladies - be honest. Have you ever, EVER told a man "Mmmm I want you to come", meaning that your sole desire is to see/feel him ejaculate? To see 'the master' explode with ecstacy?

If you said yes - I reckon you're lying. Having someone reach climax because of you is very, very sexy and a turn on, if you're not turned on already; it can even be the trigger for a female climax, but only if the current action isn't doing it for you as it is. Generally, however, it means one or more of the following:

• My ardor is failing, quick get to the end while I'm still happy!
• Hurry up and finish dear, you are squashing my ribs/giving me friction burns/going on too long and its got boring.
• Finish up, be happy, roll over and go to sleep, will ya?
• You are a selfish pig who never got me wet enough to start with and your stupid dick is sandpapering my vagina and I dont want thrush.
• I can't breathe/my back really hurts/ I have one of your chest hairs stuck in my throat and can't concentrate on getting high for love nor money. Sorry, I'm done.
• Haha, I control you, puppy dog, and you don't even know it.
  

Don't be upset guys - we love you lots - take that for granted. Otherwise we wouldnt even care if you had your fun, it'd be "Okay, thanks, five minutes was enough for me", or "You lost it with that prodding thing - what was THAT?", or "Can we just stop while I go get painkillers/run to the loo/fish round my tonsils for this bloody hair?" deadpan, in your face and with no consideration.

Faking excitement is something we all do at one time or another, but please take it as a compliment. Think of it as consciously verbalising enthusiasm, just from the sidelines like a cheerleader. Its still genuine, its just deliberate, not the uncontrolled 'spaced out' and totally unconscious worship of your member and prowess that some apparently take it to be.

Unless you happen to be very much larger (in physical height and build) than your lady friend, then there are a million ways we could let you down hard, trust me. We're just not that mean. Oh, and now you know the truth of it, have the decency to compliment us by doing whats asked, we appreciate it.

This rant was brought to you courtesy of the aforementioned blog, the 'adventures' of a single father who thinks he has all the answers - hysterically funny - poor sod. Another misconception of his is to do with necks. He tried pulling the steamy eyed come-hither thing on a random woman at work. Imagine this:

The ordinary guy you sometimes see at the coffee machine suddenly changes from passing the time of day with small talk, to staring into your eyes and refusing to unlock his gaze, then when you are flummoxed and start to wonder what the hell is going on, he drops his voice.

The poor girl ended up with her chin down, tucked into her neck. When do you pull your chin in? Generally its a subconscious action at times of disbelief or disgust. The throat is not an erogenous zone in this context, but still a point of weakness, of vulnerability. No, Mr I'm It, A woman pulling her chin in to shield her throat is is NOT a sign of willing sexual submission, its a sign that she thinks you're a dangerous loony, or on the wrong tablets.

One more hint for you guys, rubbing (as this unnamed blogger puts it) 'your hardness against her' is not a way to tease or thrill a woman. It just says "I'm aright, Jack." It's reminiscent of a dog off the leash - you may as well work out how to wag your tail and pant at the same time. Oh, oh dear, sorry, my oversight. Still, its insulting and tedious. It's why we call it boreplay.

Rant done.