28 October 2005

Rude Rant

This particular post is going to go near the knuckle, which is rare for me. Blame it on Aunty Whiplash - maybe she's resurfacing.
Consider this sentence to be a warning of potentially offensive content - definitely over 18. Don't scroll down if its not your cup of tea. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, etc etc.

This morning I have laughed so much that my sides hurt, courtesy of Annie who pointed me to the most bizarre blog ever. I will link to that blog by private request only because whilst I am wetting myself laughing at this guy's pitiful and conceited misconceptions, it doesn't mean I am going to correct him or humiliate him.

Ladies - be honest. Have you ever, EVER told a man "Mmmm I want you to come", meaning that your sole desire is to see/feel him ejaculate? To see 'the master' explode with ecstacy?

If you said yes - I reckon you're lying. Having someone reach climax because of you is very, very sexy and a turn on, if you're not turned on already; it can even be the trigger for a female climax, but only if the current action isn't doing it for you as it is. Generally, however, it means one or more of the following:
  • My ardor is failing, quick get to the end while I'm still happy!
  • Hurry up and finish dear, you are squashing my ribs/giving me friction burns/going on too long and its got boring.
  • Finish up, be happy, roll over and go to sleep, will ya?
  • You are a selfish pig who never got me wet enough to start with and your stupid dick is sandpapering my vagina and I dont want thrush.
  • I can't breathe/my back really hurts/ I have one of your chest hairs stuck in my throat and can't concentrate on getting high for love nor money. Sorry, I'm done.
  • Haha, I control you, puppy dog, and you don't even know it.
Don't be upset guys - we love you lots - take that for granted. Otherwise we wouldnt even care if you had your fun, it'd be "Okay, thanks, five minutes was enough for me", or "You lost it with that prodding thing - what was THAT?", or "Can we just stop while I go get painkillers/run to the loo/fish round my tonsils for this bloody hair?" deadpan, in your face and with no consideration.

Faking excitement is something we all do at one time or another, but please take it as a compliment. Think of it as consciously verbalising enthusiasm, just from the sidelines like a cheerleader. Its still genuine, its just deliberate, not the uncontrolled 'spaced out' and totally unconscious worship of your member and prowess that some apparently take it to be.

Unless you happen to be very much larger (in physical height and build) than your lady friend, then there are a million ways we could let you down hard, trust me. We're just not that mean. Oh, and now you know the truth of it, have the decency to compliment us by doing whats asked, we appreciate it.

This rant was brought to you courtesy of the aforementioned blog, the 'adventures' of a single father who thinks he has all the answers - hysterically funny - poor sod. Another misconception of his is to do with necks. He tried pulling the steamy eyed come-hither thing on a random woman at work. Imagine this:

The ordinary guy you sometimes see at the coffee machine suddenly changes from passing the time of day with small talk, to staring into your eyes and refusing to unlock his gaze, then when you are flummoxed and start to wonder what the hell is going on, he drops his voice.

The poor girl ended up with her chin down, tucked into her neck. When do you pull your chin in? Generally its a subconscious action at times of disbelief or disgust. The throat is not an erogenous zone in this context, but still a point of weakness, of vulnerability. No, Mr I'm It, A woman pulling her chin in to shield her throat is is NOT a sign of willing sexual submission, its a sign that she thinks you're a dangerous loony, or on the wrong tablets.

One more hint for you guys, rubbing (as this unnamed blogger puts it) 'your hardness against her' is not a way to tease or thrill a woman. It just says "I'm aright, Jack." It's reminiscent of a dog off the leash - you may as well work out how to wag your tail and pant at the same time. Oh, oh dear, sorry, my oversight. Still, its insulting and tedious. It's why we call it boreplay.

Rant done.


Maria Stepek Doherty said...

I came across this while randomly cruising the blogs on a wet windy Scottish morning.

I am still laughing and oh, yes, I agree. Just don't tell my husband.

On second thoughts he would laugh too.

zilla said...

Okay, I'm curious ... how do I get a peek?

Your interpretations were on the mark in a hilarious way :-)

doris said...

Ha-ha! Very, very funny :-)

Please put me on your private links list and I'll promise not to say a word ;-)

I can't work out that pulling one's chin down thing and I'm sitting here, a bit like a nodding dog in the back of a car doing the movement (and feeling dizzy!) and trying to feel the feeling..... I'd be more inclined to agree it is a defence mechanism... unless he just explained it wrong and was talking about a Princess Diana head nod but even that is less to do with sex and more to do with defence. Hmm - gotta see the context!

mommyguilt said...


I found you through Astryngia's posting about the schools not helping our Aspies.

I am sitting here on a dull Friday morning in my office. Bored out of my skull. Found this and am now pulling myself up off the floor - I swear, I was laughing so hard I fell off of my chair.

Added you to my blogroll. Nice to find another Aspie support member - and quite a funny one at that!

Host of Spirits said...

I am taking no responsibility whatsoever for pointing that blog out.

But ladies, let me tell you, this bloke is so far into self delusion its hilarious. I spent a whole hour reading his blog and totally wetting myself with tears running down my face - I laughed so much my stomach hurt !

Go on Chezz give em all the link!

doris said...

If he reads that he'll think you were wetting yourself with sexual delight and call you another conquest!

Cheryl said...

I concur with Doris - no linking or leading him back here. Purlease!

mar said...

I am with 'zilla...:D Michele sent me!

Ms Mac said...

Oh dear, sometimes when you give 'em half a brain they're really quite dangerous!

doug said...

Morning Cheryl.... heheheh I see I am hot on your heels from Micheles at other comment blocks! And a very interesting post nothing rude at all! I don't usually see this caliber in M's list.... heheheh

Swap ya for the link that is in "review" for one of some minor interest also, perhaps? Happy Weekend! Doug.

Cheryl said...

Aww Doug
Much kudos to you, for commenting!

I would love to swap links with you, but not this one. Giving the URL to a new acquaintance would feel too much like tittle-tattle, or like pointing out the weird kid in the schoolyard - just too mean.

Sorry, I'm blunt, but I'm not that wicked!

Surcie said...

Hi, Cheryl! This post is hilarious. I'll be back!

Anonymous said...

oh,laughter is so healing and thank you, thank you, thank you - that list just cracked me up! would love to read the inspiration for this post.

Milt Bogs said...

Gosh Cheryl. Here's me spending all night offering advice to Raul and it turns out I'm giving him all the wrong advice!

Library Lady said...

I think there's a reason that guy is a SINGLE father, don't you?

Poor deluded sap. I just feel sorry for the girls he encounters...

the frog princess said...

Hahaha ...

... my boyfriend went galavanting around town bachelor partying last night with his best friend (the groom) and a groomsman, and the groomsman is like that. My boy didn't get home until 8 because they had to follow the other dude around who was pursuing some chick for 4 hours. Men!

Oh, and Michele sent me. Thanks for the laughs!

ME Strauss said...

If Aunty inspired this . . . she is your muse. This is brilliant! Risky, hilarious and right on target.

Astryngia said...

Oh my - I'm so grateful to this guy for prompting you to write this post. That list of yours...was just so...Oh, I can't stop laughing!!!

jane said...

Okay I'm sure I'm in the minority and NO I'm not lying, but Yes, I've said it numerous times to Tarzan. And I won't go into any more detail than that. :)

oh yeah, will you email me the link please? won't peep a word.

jane said...

Okay, I read the blog. I think he's full of crap. He's a little bit too perfect for reality. My guess is he's some lonely, lonely man that engulfs himself in porn & needs an outlet. So he's writing about who he 'is'...perhaps if only just a fantasy & like everybody else, he enjoys the attention (what little there is) that he gets from it.
as always, i'm probably wrong :)

Cheryl said...

Jane you are brilliant!
And you could be right. Or, given his age (single dad)he could really be on a circuit of desperate, lonely people and single women willing to drop their aim. The only thing I know - IF the post that really set me off has any truth in it, then that woman is pulling his chain - faking it to look like the best thing on offer, with something more exclusive in mind. And if he's making it up, well then the guys that fall for it need to wake up - there are no Svengalis. They do say that sex is 10% of a good relationship and 90% of a bad one.