30 October 2005

Schoolbook Funnies

Found this list. Laughed so hard.
Then fought my husband (a new and obsessively prolific blogger) over who was going to post it.

We compromised. Here's half; the rest is over at Wulfweard.

  • In some rocks we find the fossil footprints of fishes.
  • Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
  • All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.
  • Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity.
  • The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
  • Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove gravity.
  • Mare Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
  • Men are mammals and women are femammals.
  • Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
  • The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
  • Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
  • Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.
  • Water is melted steam.
  • Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
  • A monkey has a reprehensible tail.
  • Some people say we condescended from the apes.
  • The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body.
  • Those who catch soars get leprosy.
  • A cuckoo does not lay its own eggs.
  • To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in, quick.
  • Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
  • The cause of dew is through the earth revolving on its own axis and perspiring freely.
  • Hot lather comes from volcanoes, when it cools it turns into rocks.
  • A liter is a nest of young baby animals.
  • The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
  • Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
  • Algebra was the wife of Euclid.
  • A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
  • A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.
  • Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
  • A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration.
  • An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
  • The hydra gets its food by descending upon its prey and pushing it into its mouth with its testicles.
  • If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
  • When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
  • The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
  • As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.
  • A major discovery was made by Mary Leaky, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind.
  • The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
  • You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.
  • 8 comments:

    ME Strauss said...

    Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
    That explains my maiden aunt who in the end only ate meat.


    The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them. I think statistically the rest are found in the U.S. :)

    The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours. and people break it within minutes.

    If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. and should be locked into a closet with their human counterparts until they turn 18.

    and my favorite is:

    The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.
    Are you sure this kid wasn't in my fourth grade class one year?

    Annie said...

    I like Proteins are composed of a mean old acid best, mind you, the Marie Curie one was a close runner up. Brilliant!

    Le laquet said...

    Sore Buns Institute - haven't read any further, need to go and take my asthma pump!

    Badaunt said...

    "The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

    This reminds me of my favourite joke when I was seven:

    Q: What were moa bones used for? (Moas were large flightless birds in NZ, now extinct.)

    A: To stop moas from collapsing in a heap.

    TotalChaos said...

    Thanks a lot, I am now just a quivering mass of jello in my chair. ha ha

    zilla said...

    Cheryl, Received your email around noon, thank you. I'll save my remarks for later, but you're right on the mark.

    Jen

    zilla said...

    Hahaha, nothing like a little well-timed levity!

    jules said...

    TOOOOOOO funny!