I want to know who I am. I want to know what I am supposed to be doing.
Like ME Strauss, when others had clear ideas of what they wanted to be when they grew up, I was clueless; still looking for more input. The Careers Advisor told me I was a very lucky girl, that I could achieve pretty much anything I set my mind to. No help there, then. So I achieved nothing, instead, picked over lifes choices like an anorexic facing dim sum.
I have spent my life so far dabbling at what amused me; falling into situations. I have treated life like a bedsit where you cannot repaint the Landlord's walls, managing to cobble things together and make disparate facets somehow match or coordinate, without ever ending up with something you could call mine, or my choice.
This sense of being lost pervades everything. For years I have known that if someone gave me £100 and a night out to spend it in; for all that I miss going out, I would no longer have a clue where to go or what to do. God gave me a brain, it's still there (just about), and the freedom to exercise it returns as my youngest child grows.
I miss having a life; I just don't know which one to pick. Plenty of things inspire me, but there is no shining path, no way to choose.
Help.
Use any means - pray, toss a coin, go all psychic/medium, even play Barbie makeover - just tell me what you think, feel, sense, or how you came to your own decision, because even if its wrong for me, every possibility removed from the list reduces the remainder. You know what its like, unable to choose at a restaurant - as soon as someone else orders for you; the very instant the waiter walks away, you know exactly which dish you would have preferred.
FYI, if it means anything to you (and I researched it and found no answers so its meaning to me is indeterminate) I am:
Aquarius, metal rat, numerology life path 22, ENTJ, Ad (audio digital), IQ160, uneducated, broke (see parag on ordering food - better add perverse and awkward) and all round bleeping wonderful.
Yeah, right.
Help?
Addendum: All the books say that to change your life you start by defining a goal.
My goal is: To establish a goal. And this post is what I'm doing about it.
13 comments:
I jump over from next door and see you're in the same headspace as me. Thank you for the compliment.
Paula Poundstone, the standup comic, says the reason grown-ups ask kids what they want to be is because the grown-ups are looking for ideas.
Great post. Really well-written.
If you're serious, email me.
I think you should write for your local paper. YOU should have your own column. It could be eclectic, sometimes informative, sometimes a tale, sometimes letters to Cheryl for advice or comment. Yes, hand me the phone….I am calling SOMEBODY.
Then once you have gotten yourself into that regularly I believe you should write a book.
Hell, I believe you should write a book now.
I love Aquarius people. My man is an Aquarius.
When's your birthday, girl? Mine's February 8, '62.
When I get back, I am going to toss the Chinese Fortune Sticks for you, like it or not.
You are already a writer, you just aren't a) published or b) paid. You're a fabulous writer.
I have one question. When you think back over the years, when were you happiest? Describe that time.
Answering this question is how I figured out that after I finish all this real estate nonsense I need to start painting.
Hang in there.
Oh yes, still searching... I have been / am there. I have reinvented myself so often, I sometimes forget some of the really odd things I have had a go at. Sometimes it makes me feel quite old. Definitely nearly 50.
I don't think establishing a goal is the thing I go for any more. Never worked that well for me. I now work out highest possible level 'isms', e.g. feedom (big one for me), movement, connection, floating through the spaces inbetween the electrons... you know, all the intangibles. Then I work out what 'goals' might give me my 'isms'.
Thanks for the reading matter.
My tuppence worth!
When you "miss having a life; ... just don't know which one to pick. Plenty of things inspire ..., but there is no shining path, no way to choose." then don't choose.
Just get on and start dabbling. Doing. Anything. Answers and shining lights will come but until then don't be hard on yourself or anything.
You said "You know what its like, unable to choose at a restaurant - as soon as someone else orders for you; the very instant the waiter walks away, you know exactly which dish you would have preferred." On this I would suggest trying to think differently - instead make the most of what is coming and the choice you have made and try and remember to order the other item another time. Enjoy and accept responsibility for the choices you have made - they are all stepping stones.
I think I agree with defining a goal and there are ways to do this with the aid of books or even invest in a life coach. Until then - see what friends and fellow bloggers can suggest and keep trying different things in a spirit of playfulness and adventure. Who knows what may lay round the next corner?
By the way, I found this post of yours quite poignant following on the heels of Ruby...
As for me, I've been going through my horrendous year or so of astrological strife - have only until next Spring but am already making great strides and making changes in myself. I don't know "what next" and am playing it by ear. But I do have in mind that I want the mortgage to be paid off and to have financial stability and the freedom to have more holidays - so I suppose those are my goals. The actual mechanics are not so important.
You are doing well, Doris, be kinder to yourself. I would love to have a mortgage - or a holiday!
Proud for you that you have a sense of direction - just have to find the path in the maze that gets you there, now.
:-)
Are those some of your goals then..... to own a house and have holidays? Sound like good goals.
Don't worry about finding the right path/direction/what to do/job/career. Those are mere details. LOL - but really, they are.
You have a religious streak in you, or at least a knowledge or understanding. I remember many years ago reading a little pamphlet booklet based on Christian ideas. I had gotten it from the spiritualist church in London at some bargain price of £1.20. It was a handbook to life and amongst other things in it I realised to let go and to stop trying to run and organise everything including every detail of my life not yet lived.
Instead, far better to let go and remember that you will get what you need. Have faith and belief that you will be provided for and give thanks for what you have, no matter how small. And develop those goals (needs) that say you want your home like this, or that sort of a lifestyle etc.
Instead of thinking of which paths focus more on how you feel you would like to be and live including all those special people around you. After all, we all know that money is not everything but we certainly need enough of it to do what we want to achieve.
(Part of my trouble is that I am not financially ambitious enough and the same goes for beloved Mr Doris to some extent. We could be raking in so much more but don't. We do have an amazing life and lifestyle for which I am very thankful. I can see though that I need more security and have no doubt that in due course we will get there. We are working hard enough and know that we will.)
Back to you! There is much in your life to be proud of and thankful for and I am sure that you recognise that. It sounds like you are going through one of those rough patches or a Saturn Return or summat which makes you re-evaluate everything. So you have a brilliant brain but haven't a glittering career or wealth to show for it. That must be puzzling but no point dwelling on it because you have so much else to show for it.
You have touched so many lives in so many ways. You use your mind in excellent ways that are good enough. Nothing is ever wasted.
Continue to work hard and let good things happen to you.
Have you been talking over all these feelings with your beloved? Does he understand?
My other tip is to keep asking for help - like you have here.
Thanks Doris.
I am financially wistful rather than driven. I could cheerfully make an income scrubbing greasy pots - ooh hey, I do that now, don't I.
Not looking for a 'job' - looking for a life purpose, a reason beyond material things, a passion, a reason to be here.
I am looking to make a difference, and the only way to do that is to establish ones gifts and the path of least resistance to achieving that; what I would be of most use at.
God didn't tell me to run the great race unless there was a purpose to also tying my feet to the starting blocks..... lol.
I’ve been thinking on this more Cheryl, you would make one hell of a teacher, you do after all, have the knowing.
I want to read your books though...
See Milly.....someone else thinks you are a wordsmith....I agree...you need to take it further.... maybe that will help give some meaning.
Squash all your words into a ball, and squeeze into them my head, I know what you mean....where are we going ? ? ?
Whats it all about..is it a waste of time....what can I do better...who cares....bollocks!!
Hey I'm Aquarian, is that it???
Okay, now I am beginning to remember, gaaaaaa.
You know what you must do, it is inside, right there in your gut. You know.
It’s like you told me once, “We pull our caps down over our eyes to protect ourselves in the storm and sometimes we don’t see all that is going on around us.” I have to add, inside us, sometimes we don’t see all that is going on inside us. Survival mode does that to us.
But you know who you are, and ya you have to figure out what it is that you are driven to do. I can only tell you from my observations that you are a kick booty writer, with a wisdom, understanding and kindness to you. Cheryl you are still kissing booboos and making them better. And you KNOW.
Have you thought of studying something? You mentioned being undereducated, and you've mentioned it before, and that makes me think you wish you were more educated. (Rather than self-educated, I mean, which you are already.)
You know all the cliches (it's never too late, life-long learning, blah blah blah), but I'm not talking about doing a BA. You're way too good for that. Talk your way onto an MA program, and do it via the web, like I did.
I loved/hated doing that, and it got me precisely nowhere (basically it helps me to keep the jobs I have already) but at least it gave me a goal - and it's FANTASTIC for self-discipline.
What to study... well, only you know that. My opinion: it doesn't really matter what you study. You're going to end up being a professional writer anyway. Anybody can see that.
(What I mean is, if you're meant to be studying, writing becomes FANTASTICALLY attractive and you'll become even more prolific than you are already Procrastination RULES.:-)
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