I want to know who I am. I want to know what I am supposed to be doing.
Like ME Strauss, when others had clear ideas of what they wanted to be when they grew up, I was clueless; still looking for more input. The Careers Advisor told me I was a very lucky girl, that I could achieve pretty much anything I set my mind to. No help there, then. So I achieved nothing, instead, picked over lifes choices like an anorexic facing dim sum.
I have spent my life so far dabbling at what amused me; falling into situations. I have treated life like a bedsit where you cannot repaint the Landlord's walls, managing to cobble things together and make disparate facets somehow match or coordinate, without ever ending up with something you could call mine, or my choice.
This sense of being lost pervades everything. For years I have known that if someone gave me £100 and a night out to spend it in; for all that I miss going out, I would no longer have a clue where to go or what to do. God gave me a brain, it's still there (just about), and the freedom to exercise it returns as my youngest child grows.
I miss having a life; I just don't know which one to pick. Plenty of things inspire me, but there is no shining path, no way to choose.
Use any means - pray, toss a coin, go all psychic/medium, even play Barbie makeover - just tell me what you think, feel, sense, or how you came to your own decision, because even if its wrong for me, every possibility removed from the list reduces the remainder. You know what its like, unable to choose at a restaurant - as soon as someone else orders for you; the very instant the waiter walks away, you know exactly which dish you would have preferred.
FYI, if it means anything to you (and I researched it and found no answers so its meaning to me is indeterminate) I am:
Aquarius, metal rat, numerology life path 22, ENTJ, Ad (audio digital), IQ160, uneducated, broke (see parag on ordering food - better add perverse and awkward) and all round bleeping wonderful.
Addendum: All the books say that to change your life you start by defining a goal.
My goal is: To establish a goal. And this post is what I'm doing about it.