30 July 2005

Amateur Transplants Again


This is going to be a long post.

You may not plan to read it, but as I'll bet all of the songs below are 'to the tune of' something or other, you could turn it into a game, trying to guess the popular tune that fits. Or you could give up and BUY THE CD YOU CHEAPSKATE - its called Fitness To Practice, is in aid of charity and is only £6 which I think equates to about $10.

Many people have landed on my blog looking for Amateur Transplants Lyrics, such as the words to London Underground (included below) or the words to Northern Birds (not included below, but here already).

The other day someone left a comment on one of my older posts about this duo of doctors (here and here), expressing a wish not just to get hold of the lyrics but also the sheet music.

I emailed Amateur Transplants, as I am really impressed that their profits are going to Macmillan Cancer Relief and thought they might want to consider producing sheet music as a potential secondary income stream.

Sadly this is NOT in the pipeline - if you want to contest that decision, then get on over to the official Amateur Transplants site and email them so they can guage the strength of public feeling.

However (thanks, Adam) in the reply email, I was not only given permission to publish more of their VERY RUDE lyrics (very funny too and in some cases socially damning, but you understand I have to stress the explicit nature) - I was also sent an attachment with all the words now reproduced below.

Here we go.


It’s our brand new wonder drug we think you’ll find enticing


The BNF has twenty thousand different drugs to take
So we thought, “What could we produce to give you all a break?”
A drug that could treat anything from leprosy to SARS
And you can give it in the mouth, IV or up the arse

It’s Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin
It can cure the common cold and being struck by lightning


We tested it on animals and none of them survived
But that’s OK cos when we wrote the paper up we lied
It first choice for MI, MS and even for ME; and COPD, HIV, PE and DVT

It reverses impotence and makes you good at fighting


There are some minor side effects and some are not that rare
Like nausea, vomiting and losing all your hair
And heart attacks, becoming gay and growing extra breasts
But it’s fucking cheap, and hey, this is the NHS

There are cures for everything from AIDS to pubic lice in


We make it from the cerebellar cortex of a bison
After that it undergoes some polygenic splicing


It makes you smart as Einstein and as muscular as Tyson
It brings an end to all that pharmacology revising


We sell lots in Japan cos it’s the antidote to ricin
The minister of health we hear will shortly be advising
Take Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin.

Nothing at all

It’s amazing how pretty you looked on that night
Your skirt was so short and your top was so tight
I bought you a drink and we danced on the floor
We pulled and you came back to mine for some more

Your skirt ended up on the living room chairs
And your top and your bra, they came off on the stairs
And though you looked fit with your clothes on, man I was a fool
Cos you look like shit when you wear nothing at all

Oh the clothes that you wore looked a million dollars
But the body beneath, it looked just like Rick Waller’s
The make-up you wear is a clever disguise
To hide your moustache and the squint in your eyes

Your cellulite’s dreadful, you’re covered in zits and
Your stomach’s about as defined as quicksand
If I’m being honest your tits are unacceptably small
So you look like shit when you wear nothing at all

When we went back to mine I was up for a shag
In the bedroom I realised you’re a dumpy old slag
Your pubes reach your navel and they cover your thighs
Didn’t know they made arses that size

When we met on that night, I can swear that I never
Would have guessed you’re a female Andrew Lloyd Webber
The hair on your chest’s a bit endocrinological
And you look like shit when you wear nothing at all.

Your teeth are all yellow, with bloody great gaps so
Your face is a picture, by Pablo Picasso
I can see that your arse has its own gravitational pull
And you look like shit when you wear nothing at all

You look like shit when you wear nothing at all

The Menstrual Rag

Once a month your girl's upset
She goes to Boots to buy Lillets
It happens every 28 days
When she's in her luteal phase.
All she does is moan and nag
You go five days without a shag
There's no cunnilingus
You can only use your fingers
When she's using a menstrual rag.

For the week or two preceeding
The days your other half is bleeding
The moody bitch is in a stress
Complaining about PMS and
When her womb has started sloughing
You won't be eating any muffin
2 4 6 8

Come on girls let’s menstruate.

Heavy flow or gentle spotting
Running down her legs or clotting
All that lining that she sheds leaves
Nasty patches on your bedsheets
Just don't waste your efforts pleading
You won't be shagging when she's bleeding
The Mefenamic Acid means you might as well be flaccid
When she's using a menstrual rag.

It's hard to be all that devoted
When she is looking fat and bloated
From all the water she's retaining
While her pants have nasty staining
You won't be doing any groping
When she's losing haemoglobin
2 4 6 8
Come on girls let’s menstruate.

Get those Bodyforms with wings
Grab your Tampax by the strings
And Tenalady sanitary pads
come on boys you've seen the ads
This dance is sweeping through the nation
Here's three cheers for menstruation
Its the latest craze
Every 28 days
They're all using a menstrual,
Using a menstrual rag.

London Underground

Some people might like to get a train to work
Or drive in in a Beamer or a merc,
Some guys like to travel in by bus,
But I can't be bothered with the fuss today
I'm going to take my bike,
Coz once again the Tube's on strike.
The greedy bastards want extra pay
for sitting on their arse all day
even though they earn 30K .
So I'm standing here in the pouring rain,
Where the fuck's my fucking train?

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle.

All they say is "Please mind the doors",
and they learned that on the two day course,
This job could be done by a four year old.
They just leave us freezing in the cold.
What you smell is what you get
Burger King and piss and sweat
You roast to death in the boiling heat,
With tourists treading on your feet
and chewing gum on every seat,
so don't tell me to "Mind the gap"
I want my fucking money back.

London Underground
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle

The floors are sticky and the seats are damp,
Every platform has a fucking tramp,
But the drivers get the day off when we're all late for work again,

London Underground
London Underground
WaWa Wankers , They're all Wankers ,
London Underground
London Underground

Take your Oystercard, and shove it up your arsehole


One Hand

I can't tie my laces
I don't play the flute
My car is an automatic
I can't paint my nails
I never applaud
I'm not very good at Twister
And when my laptop crashes
I can't even press control-alt-delete
Cos I've got one hand

Hello can I speak to the emergency physician?
Cos I’ve got a patient in a terrible condition
He's vomiting up blood and he'll soon need a mortician
Haematemesis (Huuurrrrrrrghhhh)

Look at your skin, look at its off-white hue
Look at your eyeballs too
They are all yellow
You came to me, you thought you had the flu
I knew that wasn't true
You wouldn't be yellow
We took some blood off you
That's just a thing we do
To folks who turn yellow
You're yellow like the desert in Damascus is
You're yellow cos your liver has metastases
Do you know you're really fucked you know
You're really fucked you know

I would jog and I'd start rowing
Every day you'd see me going to the park and to the gym
I'd go drinking in the pub and every evening I'd go clubbing
If I only had some limbs

I would learn to play the trumpet
Cos just sitting on my stump it tends to make my life quite grim
I'm content but I'd be more so if I wasn't just a torso
If I only had some limbs

Oh I just sit and cry, a quadruple amputee
I just hang around all day and watch TV
But that's the life of quadraplegics

I'd play cards and I'd play scrabble
Not just spend my days imagining a life where I had shins
Cos I've never had a date, hell I can't even masturbate
Oh if I only had some limbs

Take a Look
How can you just walk away from here?
How rude can a doctor be?
You're the Orthopaedic Registrar and we've been here since 3
You're the only one that we've been waiting for

So take a look at my Nan
I think she's got a broken hip
We found her in the bathroom on the floor
You know I think she must have slipped

Take a look at my Nan
The Casualty Doctor stated
One leg is shorter than the other
And it's externally rotated

Well take a look at my Nan
Don't you know how long we've waited?
And if you can't fix her, then DNR
And can we have her cremated?

Consultants at King’s
I'm pushing 83 and the trust are telling me to retire
I never take a history or consent
My post-op survival rate should be higher
In fact it's only 6 per cent

We work at Denmark Hill with the terminally ill patients
But they're relatively well when they arrive
Cos I invent my own operations
And I'm the only one who leaves theatre alive

We're consultants, we're consultants at King's
We're consultants at King's

Do you feel any better?
Or do you feel the same?
We've done your operation now
And you've just yourself to blame
Now you've got one lung, one eye
One knee, below your one thigh
We've removed your left hand side
And you're all right now

Me on take
I get in the way
I don't know what to do or say
But I go in night and day
Vainly hoping someone will teach me
They say not today
Practice taking blood, okay
Me on take (Me on take)
Me on take (Me on take)
Me on take
Take me home

The Drug Song

There’s Aspirin, Adrenaline & also Aminophylline,
Amphetamine, Adenosine, Augmentin & Rifampicin,
Amoxicillin, Penicillin, Heparin & Warfarin
& Oestrogen, Progestagen & Canesten & Chloroquine

There’s Bendroflumethiazide & also Cyclophosphamide
& Metoclopramide, Acetazolomide Tropicamide,
Loperamide, Amiloride & Cyclizine & Frusemide
& if you’re up the duff then you had best avoid Thalidomide.

There’s Lithium, Fluoxetine & also Amitriptyline,
Paroxetine, Digoxin, GTN & Azathioprine,
Miconazole, Atenolol & also Chloramphenicol
& if you want to overdose there’s always Paracetamol.

There’s Night Nurse & Phenytoin, Zirtek & Diazepam,
& Lithium, Temazepam, Midazolam, Clonazepam,
Testosterone, Aldosterone & Valium & Insulin,
& Lignocaine & Piriton & Ventolin & Ritalin

There’s Cefuroxime, Cefotaxime, Cefalexin, Cephedrine,
& Metronidazole & Ketoconazole, Trimethoprim,
Erythromycin, Gentamycin, Macrolides, Nifedipine
& Actifed & Sudafed & Calpol with no sugar in.

There’s Phenelzine & Hyoscine, Ranitidine, Cimetidine,
Potassium & Calcium & ev’ry kind of Vitamin,
& Pethedine & Methadone & Speed, Cocaine & Heroin,
& Cannabis & Prozac, Morphine, Alcohol & Nicotine.

You must remember all these drugs
The names of which you’ve learnt from me
Or fuck ‘em all & get a job in Orthopaedic Surgery.

What do you mean you want more than snippets? Once again, here's the link to buy the entire CD and since you've got this far, also the MP3s for all of the above.


doris said...

On their site they have video to the Drug song - which I am not sure is my most favourite, or if it is the Snippets.

They are truly brilliant so it is good to see they are performing at the Edinburgh Fringe.

I must say that although I thought the first couple of songs you had posted previously were good, I was put off a tad by the excessive swearing. But these are so much more balanced and more clever as a result!

Good for you for getting permission to put up the lyrics :-) I hope they have sorted permission/copyright for using those tunes!

Thanks Cheryl for bringing this to our attention again :-) What a great off-beat way to start a Sunday. They sound almost Monty Python-ish.

Cheryl said...

Aww ((((((Doris)))))!

I posted this (gretefully) knowing it would turn up in the increasingly frequent searches for these clever guys.

I never expected one of my regular friends to plough through and comment!

Am all smiley now :-) thank you