12 July 2005

Pass Me The Blindfold, And I'll Be Fine.

Well, Gary's gone away again.

He leaves work this lunchtime for two nights up near Aylesbury and I get him back on Thursday evening.

The trouble is me - I do what I do with everything that bothers me - I bury my head in the sand and wait for wind erosion. I cross my bridges after I've come to them, or at least if I feel I got to them too soon, I sit on the grass and play with my toes until it's time to be herded across by force of necessity.

Issues don't entirely go away, I just have this bloody stubborn streak that refuses to allow them to slow my stride, affect my day etc, the inevitable upshot being that they skew my stride and scupper my day in a million little ways, like cognitive seepage. Apparently I am an 'in time' type and not a 'through time' type, which is wonky-speak from NLP and time line therapy. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

This would be brilliant if I was a natural born multi tasker. Maybe I am, maybe the tasks are just too multi. Heard of the straw that broke the camel's back? My camel has an indestructible back, she's a stubborn, tough old girl, which only means that her legs buckle slightly instead, and she just keeps trying to go forward, but ends up careering all over the place like she's been on the jolly juice and making some very disconcerting noises.

If I said to you that was my effort at an apology for talking complete and utter bovine excrement in my (well meant) comments over the past couple of days, I hope you would accept it whilst appreciating just how inebriated my camel appears to be.

Self analysis so far then:
  1. I like to multi task and do things as they demand my attention, switching jobs depending on what takes precedence. I like to think I am flexible.
  2. Underneath that I am an intense control freak who needs certain demands on my time to be set in stone, otherwise I can't cope with all the extra freedom
And there sit two contradictions already. This NLP course I am working through asks (in a rather showy way, I have to admit,) where you stand on the line of cause and effect - in other words, do you see your mental, emotional and, to some extent physical condition to be something you have control over and allowed or engineered, or do you see yourself as being affected, with life and circumstance happening to you because of other people?

My answer is both. I am used to being ready at the whim or need of family. Then again, I engineered that, I put myself there.

I feel like a hyperactive kid removed from her playpen and put in a field. The walls have gone. I could do anything I damn well please, and yet, instead I panic slightly and just sit there looking dazed.

Is there such a thing as emotional agoraphobia? Choisophobia? No thats Old English, not Greek and umm maybe its time to just wander off into another room now and find another routine that I am failing to function with instead of blogging, because I have got to the point now where I'm certain I don't have the first flaming clue what I'm on about today, anyway, and, err, yes. If I didn't already live here, now would be a good time to get me coat.

(Fast Show)

Rhetorical question: If you are mad, is there any point to self analysis?


Milt Bogs said...

Great third paragraph Cheryl. Really like "waiting for wind erosion".

Ally said...

Yes, great post. I think emotional agoraphobia is a brilliant concept - I spent years being too scared to address anything :).

Steve said...

Is it wrong to answer a rhetorical question? I am a little confused, as being quite british I like to help people and answer any questions I can, but rhetorical questions I am not sure. Please discuss in no more than 1000 words (10 marks)

JusticeE.R. said...

If someone is truly mad, I don’t believe they would have the ability to do self-analysis. Introspection and self-analysis are signs of healing or at least the desire to start the healing process.

Cheryl said...

Yes Justice! Just what I was saying. It would be like going to a mad analyst - pointless, or even make things worse :-)

So maybe I should stop right now.......

Steve said...

HMMM the plot and storyline for a little known film called Catch 22 comes to mind. You remember?
In WWII if you wanted to be removed from flying duty due to going mad you had to request it but Paragraph 22 of the rules said that if you were cognizant enough to ask you couldnt be deemed mad so either way you had to keep flying.

doris said...

In answer to the rhetorical question: "But what is "mad"?"

I can understand that if one is feeling imbalanced then it is questionable as to whether self-analysis is any good because you'd only read whatever according to your current bias.

I've taken to going easier on myself these days. I just let it be and know that I'll 'be' and 'do' when it it is right and that navel gazing is not always helpful.

NLP can be some good stuff - as long as you have some good accessible books. I have some NLP books but they are so heavy they've sat unread.

Did you know there are 4 Google results for "emotional agoraphobia" and soon, with your blog, there will be five. Now that's a great achievement for the day! :-)

Cheryl said...

Thanks! And its going to piss off the people who thought they had a rare search line - which is nice!

Badaunt said...

I tried self-analysis once. I discovered that I am the kind of person who can't be bothered, and then I couldn't be bothered, and, um, stopped.

Ally said...

I did used to(do still occasionally) worry sometimes that I was going mad ... particularly during the course of the last year ... but I think it's true that if you are sane enough to worry about it, then it's okay, you're not.

And now I tend towards badaunt's viewpoint ...