14 January 2006

Bl**dy Men

Or rather more specifically, one bloody man.

Husband has blogged a very short but completely true conversation from last night. Do NOT ask me how my Aspie Son's mind graduated from the torments of true love, via the intricacies of Star Wars on his Gameboy, to the potential pleasures and dangers of masturbation. It just did. This is the kid who looked up from playing 007 over Christmas to thoughtfully comment that "James Bond, he's a bit of a sex pest really, isn't he?"

Apparently wooing a girl in every port is amoral, in Son's world. Its not enough of an issue to stop playing the game; just an observation, so it seems I have a deep, romantic little soul here, with an inbuilt tendency toward (at least serial) monogamy.

Anyway, here's the latest as reported by Husband (the evil swine):

This evening my 11 year old come out with a classic…..

Sitting playing his X-box he looks up at me blogging and the conversation proceeds as follows.

SON “Dad if you wank can it kill you”?

After picking myself off the floor…….
ME “it will make you go blind”…..
SON “Your joking”.
ME “Look at me I have to wear glasses”
SON “ No honestly can it harm you”?
ME “ Every time you do it God kills a kitten”!
Daughter (9) screams “it was you that killed my kitten”! to her brother running crying from the room….
Taken ten minutes to calm her down and apologise.

This is mostly true. Daughter also screamed that she hated both of them, wailed all the way to the other end of the house then wailed her way back to just outside the living room door, to a position suited to shouting sobbing protestations from a safe distance. Scarlett O'Hara, eat your heart out. I was cracking up. My ribs hurt.

Husband in sweet, helpful voice: Oh, darling, its not true, and look, mummy's crying too! (I was, sort of)

Daughter, enraged: She's not! She's bloody laughing! Waaaah!

She lamented her way up the house again but slowly came back. Once I had her by my side to talk to, this is how it went:

Me: Darling, rotten daddy was just winding Son up. Do you know what wank means?

Daughter stares blankly

Me: It means playing with your private tickly bits.

Daughter stays wide eyed

Me: And sometimes when boys are growing up, they wake up in the morning and their willy sticks out and feels even more tickly, and then sometimes they play with it.

Daughter (with a big smile like she's got the point): Oh! Daddy does that!

Me: Eh? What? When?

Daughter: You know, when he's lying on the sofa with the telly button (does action of one hand clicking button, other hand defensively clasping crotch)

Me: Oh that! No, thats a bit rude, but wanking usually involves going into your pants and getting it out so you can tug on it properly. Its private.

I have to say that there was more to the earlier discussion, specifically I had remarked that fiddling about can only make little boys go blind if they poke their own eyes afterward before washing their hands. Because of this, Daughter led our current conversation on to wonder, in hushed and gossipy tones, whether her brother had washed his hands recently.

She then forgot all about her lost (and presumably deceased) kitten and skipped off happily (smugly, even), pausing only to eye her brother up and down and point at him in a "haha you're mucky and rude!" kind of a way.



Host of Spirits said...

I am so curling up with laughter... and this so reminded me of an incident with my kids.

One saturday morning they were curled up under the duvet watching tv when eldest daughter asked how radio waves work (blank look from mom) then eldest son whips back the duvet pointed to his privates and asked 'why does that go all hard' !!

Cue mom screaming to dad .. 'the kids have got some questions for you'.

Horny Old Guy said...

Funny stuff! Reminds me of when I was about 7 or 8 I suddenly wondered why I sometimes got stiff down there and marched into our living room, pulled my little erection out and asked my mom who was having coffee with the lady next door. Red faces and uncontrollable laughing on both their parts. I never did get an answer and never asked that question again. Eventually I figured it out for myself!

Ivy the Goober said...

This story is so funny. And the comments too!

fineartist said...

Oh my, the conversations in your house sound interesting and humorous as hell. Oh to be a fly on the wall….Laughed heartily here, so did man…

I told my kids that they were THEIR privates and they could fool around with them in PRIVATE if they wanted to.

I suppose one could make it sore...I think moderation is the key here.

zilla said...

Laughing to tears again... I'll be back when I regain control of myself

Universal Soldier said...

Ha ha - classic.

Le laquet said...

Lmao! I can't type 'cos I'm sniggering ... this is why I don't have kids, snigger! Fantastic!

Growing Up said...

That was great to read i can just see that conversation in my house in 5years time. I enjoyed this post.

Chep said...

I was SO entertained by this post I had to read it to my husband during the football game. He was so entertained that he didn't care that I interrupted!

Thanks for the great read!

ella m. said...

LOL, this sort of thing is exactly why I love other people's kids so much.

I'm not nearly tough enough to even answer the question with a straight face, let alone be clever about it. I'd just burst into useless giggling.

Ally said...

Oh my goodness, I'm in stitches. Can I look forward to this sort of conversation if we adopt do you think? :)

Carol said...

Hysterical! Both me and the story!

jane said...

Tug it properly?? OMG! hahahahaha
Your family is hilarious. That I know of, in America these are private discussions had very seriously & descreetly. Mom to daughter usually & Dad to son.
I am literally laughing so hard right now, I just snorted.
You know what would be funny? Put tape over your sons eyelids one morning so he'll think he went blind! (OH tell your daughter to do that to him) Yes, I know, I'm evil.

Cheryl said...

ROFL Jane!
I'm sure thats the way for most people (lucky sods), however once Aspie Son had said the word 'wank' outright, in the living room, all sort of innocent and relaxed, the last thing we could do is gasp or force the conversation into a corner - theres a difference between private and secret, personal and dirty.
We were stuck and had to act casual. I love kids - they are such a learning curve.