18 September 2005

Dear Men

Dear men, it's OK. It's not your fault.

All foetuses start out female, you see, so whilst we girls are spending a month or so refining brain and eye function, you are growing testicles and generally being rewired at the opposite end.

All colour blind persons are male, but even those of you who can distinguish colours perfectly well can't do it as well as us women. We have the spare time to develop an extra set of retinal cones. It explains why we are so picky, to your minds, about what does and doesn't match.

Autism has been described as belonging to the extreme male end of the gender spectrum. Other factors can cause it, obviously, but its a rare male who has even the average female ability to read faces and intonation. Heck, our communication skills are so refined in comparison that for aeons they simply called it women's intuition. I'm sorry you sometimes wail that we expect you to be psychic; thats not true, we just tend to treat you as equals and wave blatant flags and signals in your face forgetting they are the equivalent to drop-out-blue to your brains. You would actually have to be psychic (or female,) so, sorry.

Our brains are wired differently, too. Women have multiple small connections between the left and right hemisphere whereas male connections are cabled - one huge fat connection in the middle. Plug and Play. Women have a form of hard wired dyslexia and I mean that in a good way.

Dyslexics don't form the glue for the mental connections so easily, in the area of the brain relating to letter shapes etc. They learn best by using all five senses, by forming multiple possible routes to an answer and by using every sense at their disposal to reinforce a connection. They become brilliant multi taskers, chess players and tacticians because they train an area of their brain to consider all the possibilities. Find a dyslexic who was called stupid at school, who fought to declare their validity, and you will find one of the fastest thinkers you can meet.

Women are born with all these thin connections between the spatial and verbal sides of the brain. It is our nature to already have and use many possible ways of combining information to reach a conclusion. Whilst every connection in your brain goes the same route and makes you feel that getting from point A to point Z is straightforward, we see points B through Y as well. Man sees the top of the mountain. Woman sees the crevasse in the way, three possible paths and the incoming weather report. We see you as blind and bumbling, you see us as picky and fussy and slowing you up.

You know its not all bad; you know that with your gonads comes a lifetime supply of testosterone, making you taller, stronger, more aggressive and very handy when theres chasing or heavy lifting to do.

You know that this inspires you even in early childhood to explore the world of single answers; cars, engines, winners and losers, basic sports that don't need to be scored by judges because the result is defined by rules. You also know that little girls will find more satisfaction in exploring role play, interrelations, possible reactions and emotion-based consequences. We are the social theorists to your rule book fanatics, and you respond to this difference by ridiculing us. Of course you do; we involve ourselves in a plane of thought that is beyond your comprehension and therefore, from your perspective, unnecessary to life, outside of the factors involved in seeing point Z and heading straight for it.

Its OK. Its not your fault; only try to remember that our logic is valid, just different. Realise also that you have the superior physical strength and attendant aggressive streak for two reasons.

a) You are bumbling little boys, bless you, and you need it to survive.
b) Without it you would be the underclass, the 'special needs' segment of society and we would make your lives hell, patting you on the head and ignoring your silly misconceptions. Flip, you probably wouldn't even have got the vote until, ooh, about 100 years ago.

Bygones. Deal?


zilla said...

This is fabulous! But you knew that, didn't you?

I wasn't quite sure where you were going with it at first because it immediately conjured a memory:

My stepfather was serving coffee to a partner from another law firm. Wasn't particularly fond of the man. The man took a sip of his coffee. Whether it was weak, or some kind of flavored hazelnut froo-froo coffee, the man declared, "This is woman's coffee!" To which my stepfather replied, "Well, that's fine, Frank. We all begin as women in the womb."

Anyway. Wonderful post. Submit it to Esquire Magazine (attn: David Granger, Editor in Chief)

Cheryl said...

that is very flattering, no INCREDIBLY flattering, but I wouldnt know where to start. Wish I could email you.
Being published would be so amazing that its one thing I would crawl through mud in a clown suit to get to, especially if it doesn't involve work, like improving my grammar or thinking too hard.....

I have never submitted a damn thing in my life - wouldn't know what to say, what layout to use, none of it. If I knew that, however, I would quite possibly be on several editors' / publishers' blocked lists by now, and probably also being sued for stalking.

Universal Soldier said...

Ha ha - fantastic and I don't doubt a word of it. All praise to the all conquering women. ;) But seriously - you raise a lot of very valid points - I do think society is going a long way to rectify some of the inequalities of the past. Maybe there is a long way to go but 'we' are definitely losing our stranglehold on society.

zilla said...

You can email me -- I thought it was doable from my profile page? No? It's Jenzback2@aol.com.

BTW, thanks for the curry suggestion. I've been telling Myrt that she needs to give herself orgasms but she says she can't reach.

Poor thing!

ME Strauss said...

Hey, Zilla's right you know.
Do as she says silly!

Can you say corpus collusum?

How about testosterone poisoning?

It's a good un!

Even if he doesn't publish you, I bet you get a personal answer.


Sam Freedom said...

If men are the stupid ones, why write to them in a way they will never understand? Unless, wait, I get it - you're just trying to appeal to other disgruntled women!

Darn, so slow to catch on. Must be because I'm male. Well, at least I got that much right, and I can change, really I can!


Steve said...

Pardon.....Did you say something love??

Cheryl said...

Hahahah aww sweet.
Don't you just love the sound of a timid male clutching his ballsack? Hey some of them even pay to feel like that - maybe I should charge?
Boys - go consult a few male scientists, I'm afraid its all medical fact.

WhimsiKat said...

Classic post! :)

Sam Freedom said...

Yes, but your sporting signs of an undisciplined intellect. There's a word that rhymes with 'fact' called 'tact' and your lacking it in your presentation of those facts.

For instance, I was not clutching my ballsack when responding previously. I am now, but not previously.

Anyways, all men shouldn't have to be the target of your angst just because of what one of your poorer choices did to you.

If you practice a little forgiveness, you can get on with your life and start writing a blog about something really useful. Something that might actually make a social statement and help people advance through life rather than get bogged down in an emotional swamp called, "You go girl!"

Clutching his ballsack,

Cheryl said...

Kathryn - thank you!

Sam - I am backing out of this. I thought at first that (like my friend Steve) your comments were tongue in cheek. However if you genuinely see any attack or angst at all in my post, you misunderstand it, or me.
I would ask you what I am supposed to hate and whats to forgive, but never mind.

There is no attack, just medical fact, most of which I picked up from a male presenter on a UK science programme.

Yours, a happily married (read intellectually and all other ways stimulated) mother of four and equal partner.

Dan said...

It's certainly true that male brains and female brains are wired differently. Women are more capable of multi-tasking, which is why my ex annoyed the hell out of me by talking through every programme we were watching on TV. I'm not a multi-tasker at all, which is why I annoyed the hell out of my ex by telling her to shut the **ck up all the time.

However, just because men and women think differently doesn't mean that one is superior to the other....

Cheryl said...


Second (possibly third) male commenter to get the point.

I knew I only linked to intelligent rational types ;-)

Sazzle said...

Hey I like that, kinda goes with the men and women are different, but I don't think either sex is superior, we're just better at different things. Made me smile really, for the first time truly in days, so thanks.

Sam Freedom said...

Women and men have different functions. It only makes sense they should be wired up differently.

When I have to stop a home invasion dead in its tracks, I can't be distracted by thoughts about cuddling the intruder. Or, that maybe he's really a nice guy/gal underneath all the armoring.


Cheryl said...

I must have some sort of respect for you because I keep answering. I agree, we have different skill sets, my point is they are both valid, but I have to add that of course you need your boy skills to deal with more boys with guns, you saying men are good because we women need them to deal with other men is kind of self defeating. I like you all, we just have different skills.
My point is that female skills ARE skills and to be valued, not dismissed, whether ot not you understand them. For centuries we were uneducated, tied to the home, politically voiceless and socially insignificant, because men belittled us in exactly the same way that you accuse me of belittling men.
PLEASE read the last two words of my post and get the point.
Actually I guess you do get the point, or you wouldnt consider me worthy of an argument.
MORE bygones. (Another) deal?

MissMeliss said...