Way back in December I blogged my opinion of Ann Summers shops selling rabbit dildos from a full height wall display, like a factory outlet (see Teeth Rattlers).
What I might have failed to mention since then is that my darling husband got the wrong end of the stick (and yes I know I could make a pun of that, but not now!) Anyhow - no prizes for guessing what I got as a secret surprise Christmas present when the kids weren't looking.
This was, until now, where it all got really embarrassing. I had absolutely no intention of treating it to a maiden voyage until the pressure was off - until Gary at very least stopped eyeing me up and wondering whether I was in seventh heaven from having had a go with the new toy yet. A week or so later I knew damn well that, whilst dissappointed (no-one likes to buy you a Christmas present that doesn't come out of the box for a fortnight, no matter what it is), Gary was still waiting for a report or at least a sign of approval or gratitude.
I have to tell you the damn thing was dissappointing to say the least (I couldn't say that to him of course, but did settle on mentioning that nothing beats the real thing. Is that tactful, or what? True, but tactful.)
The shaft might be 6 or 7 inches, but the bloody rabbit is attached two thirds of the way down. Mr bunny is also solid and fat - no give in it, he doesnt want to bend backward, so you lose another good inch of shaft because the stupid rodent is very upright, in other words the dildo part can't hit the spot for love nor money - well not unless you are, erm, smaller than average. Its also too big (the rabbit bit) and if you force the issue, i.e. the extra inch, it's silly little ears end up merrily buzzing away in thin air whilst its nose crushes parts you really dont want crushed - as much fun as a wedgy.
Just to add more to think about, the battery cover is designed to slide off with very gentle downward pressure, which, considering you have to reach just beyond your own groin, it gets, with alarming regularity, at the wrong moments. Try getting high at all when you have to keep stopping to clip things back together. I really draw the line at even trying to get friendly with a lump of jelly latex held together with sellotape.
My total and miserable failure to get it on with this so called be-all-and-end-all piece of equipment had me feeling pretty awkward, unusual, maybe even abnormal. I won't make personal comments about the kind of girls you see on late night second rate British sex advice shows, lounging across the bed in their Council house semi like landed whales, licking their lips and showing the poor cameraman all their toys. Nonetheless, when the only people you have ever seen mention these gizmos are going into raptures about them, if your own success with the damn thing is pretty hit and miss, it can be an isolating experience. Maybe I was too old, too grumpy, too picky, too frigid? There were all sorts of possibilities that crossed my mind.
Now I admit I was grumbling, privately, that Ann Summers might be the bottom end of the market. (Oi! DON'T even think it...) But, tanaa! A new girl has joined the team at the Homeworking.Com forum and she runs a very nice little website called Forbidden Delight, and they've got a special on just now, with the Jessica going for under half price at just £14.99! (Does that mean that dildos, like DVDs and all other electrical goods, gradually go down in price? I seem to remember full price being more than £30, last time I looked.)
So I asked! I found the guts from somewhere to approach a woman I don't know and ask technical questions. Anyhow, I am so chuffed to find out that I am normal, that the issue of the rabbit being too big, too upright and too high up are design faults that are inherent in most similar items and more than that, they ARE faults. Thank God for that. At least I'm not as big as the Dartford tunnel and half as sensitive, which I guess was the other option.
Really girls, with any other electrical equipment (such as might be sold to men, for example) you would expect the manufacturer to mention the measurements (in this case girth and length) of the major components, to allow for comparison shopping. Are we being conned into paying out for trial and error?
Rabbit successes? Rabbit disasters? Leave a comment!