30 December 2004

Teeth Rattlers

I heard some time ago that Boots were going to start selling dildos, but if its happened yet, it hasnt reached our little suburban branch on the predominantly geriatric seaside belt; maybe they had a fit of conscience about the increased sale of smelling salts or blood pressure meds to be caused by the sight, but I doubt it. Thats typical of this town, you can't buy a shoe here bigger than a size six that doesnt resemble a man's footwear or something orthopoedic.

Anyhow, I took a trip to Brighton the other day and popped in to Ann Summers. The designs of lingerie they sell are truly stunning, but most of the fabrics are just too naff to my mind. One step round the nylon lace and polyester satin, however, and you are faced with two walls of 'equipment', with the deliniation made by a change from pink flimsies to the more strappy garments, although very few at a cursory glance looked like good leather and I suspect that the Barbarella style body suits complete with or without strapadictomy wouldnt really hold the weight they were designed to semi enclose. It all seemed a bit like sun suits as opposed to bathing suits, which look way better on the beach than their similarly priced cousins but are ruined if you get them wet........

Back to the point of this post which was the single wall, full, like a factory outlet, of two designs of dildo. Well not dildos specifically, things called rabbits. I dont know what it is about my ego, but even if I were going to start a huge collection of the things, I wouldnt buy from a wall full in a shop where it would seem that they were the fastest selling item. Where did I lose track with the world? I mean sanitary protection is necessary and a whole rack of tampons in Boots is quite a normal sight, even if its not much fun parading a bumper box of Super Plus to the till in a little shopping basket. Whole ranges of razors and waxes and tweezers for every part of the body are fine too because just about every female removes body hair, in varying amounts. I guess I cant wrap my head round the bold suggestion made in the Ann Summers shop that every woman needs, desires, or habitually buys a wanking machine that can fizz, buzz and contort beyond human capability. Do the seedier sex shops (oh gosh and by seedier I guess I mean male orientated, so theres sexism for you - sorry!) give pride of place to a huge wall full of blow up dolls, or to get the packaging size correct and therefore the numbers on display, mechanical vaginas? Maybe they do; my curiosity will never be piqued sufficiently to go and find out.

I quite fancied a bit of fun, but the idea of joining an army of electronically stimulated women all making Duracell very very rich in an attempt to constantly reach tongue-lolling idiocy was somehow a huge turn off and if there had been more of a selection and less of a display I might have hung around to learn something.

I hate walking out of a shop with a red face, but as I left Ann Summers all I could imagine was a long line of women all hanging on to their rabbits for dear life like they were upturned road drills, and wobbling off all over the place going 'moo'.


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1 comment:

Jarred Contini said...

Rather disputable.