19 November 2005

Overshadowed #2

There is something defiant, brave even in voicing the unfair things in life, in having the daring to put it all to paper or announce that this or that is happening. Its a way of disassociating, of denying unfounded guilt the chance to take hold, a way to stand up to things.

It takes it all out of the shadows, where depression and shame can thrive and pushes it into the cold light of day, where there is nothing to hide because nothing remains hidden.

Its therapeutic.

However, once you have stared at the scary monsters long enough, once they neither diminish nor grow but sit there inanimate - then to continue to declare them is to volunteer yourself as victim. They won't go away, but they don't appear to have any immediate intention of killing me, either. Red alert is unjustified now.

I have some stuff going on (so who doesn't? Its November, which is statistically bad anyway, plus the start of a Grand Cross, a time for battening down the hatches no matter who you are.) I allowed it to exhaust me and scare me a bit, but I am not a victim, heaven forbid. As emotional aerobics, I am 'feeling the burn' and that can only mean one thing - tomorrow the weights won't have gone away, but the muscles I use to deal with them will be bigger and stronger.

Thanks to those who read - who allowed me to mouth off and review things.

I got the comments by email and I've kept them. There's no way I'd lose them, they helped so much - those attached to the post and the ones that arrived by other means.

There's treasure and then there's treasure.


zilla said...

Grand cross? A Saturn return? I'm confused and interested.


Badaunt said...

You will survive these scary monsters. You will do what needs to be done, and it will probably be horrible, but you can do it.

THIS WILL PASS. A year or two from now you'll look back and remember and laugh.

(And in the meantime, accept whatever help is offered gratefully, but not too gratefully. An over-grateful recipient is a huge burden on the giver. This is the hardest lesson I had to learn when I was sick and had to accept help - how to receive gracefully and without resentment.)

doris said...

It is great to read what you are saying and how you are overcoming.

I also want to say that there is something in what you have written "then to continue to declare them is to volunteer yourself as victim".

THAT (!) is exactly how I feel about when I occasionally pop little contentious things about my past into my writings. Sometimes it flows and feels natural to say them - and like you say - are a way to exorcise the demons. Other times I think oh gawd... this is boring even to me!

I'm not sure that I had thought that to continue harping on is to express a victim status - although there are times when one has not fully exorcised those demons and you need to keep going until they have sorted. But beyond that, there comes a point when it is healthier to not dwell there and to move on.

But back to you - lovely to read how you are doing :-)

fineartist said...

I understand what you are saying here. I know how it is to rage and then remember that I have to change things in order not to fall victim to them, or I will be raging again, and raging again translates to victim status in some situations.

I understand the knowing that comes to you, “If I can make it over another hurdle then I will be stronger for having done so.“ Still, sucks to find struggle coming from every direction, and sometimes, sometimes you would so like for things to be the way that they are supposed to be, like in an ideal world.

I understand that such is life.

Too I understand that feelings are transitory, and being such, they are to be accepted at the time but remembered that they may change in intensity soon, or even attitude.

Thank you for this post, it helped me to remember and you do phrase things so beautifully and logically. Ah, I feel better now….glad you do too.

Writer Mom said...

'As emotional aerobics, I am 'feeling the burn' and that can only mean one thing - tomorrow the weights won't have gone away, but the muscles I use to deal with them will be bigger and stronger.'

Brilliant. This describes the last two years with my son, who is being evaluated Dec. 12th to find out if he is on the spectrum. The first time someone hinted around about this, I think I had a silent break down. Oh, the crying, the guilt, the frantic research into the depths of night 'the people of the chorus' will never know they inflicted.
It's all going to be all right. Just breathing through it, thinking of the day when I will offer my shoulder to other criers.
Sometimes people talk to me like I'm made of steel.
And are shocked when I show pain.
They must think I can handle it.
They are right.
Gotta remember that.

Each time you share like this, gives me a little more courage I didn't have yesterday.

*must sleep now, but thank you.

Cheryl said...

My astrological friend is off in France with her one true love. Will nage her for more specific detail as soon as she has a) got back and is b) no longer in a puddle on the floor for having to come back.

Badaunt - Agreed! Positive attitude is the best guard against long term health problems. I know _ I've had more years that rocketed off the top of the 300 point stress chart than I would care to count, as have you!

Doris - Thanks! To declare it is to stand up to it - to keep coming back and reding it is to wallow - for me, anyway. I don't wallow.

Fineartist, writer mom - thank you!
I think sometimes it feels like you have just unpeeled shoes from sticky, bloody blistered feet, they are swelling up nicely and something happens to force you to put the shoes back on again. Putting them on is a killer, but once they're on, its not so bad as expected. Not great, but not so bad. ;-)

bart said...

cheryl, in some ways i think we're on parallel paths here... you struck a chord somewhere deep down... thank you...