If there's one thing worse in this world than opening your big mouth without engaging your brain, then its knowing you offended someone you respect, in the process.
If there's anything possibly worse than that, its merely suspecting you offended someone, but not being able to reach them to apologise/grovel/work out what you did, or how what you meant and what they heard differed. Being denied the right to know for sure and therefore the right to negotiate or move on. Being 'cut off' with no explanation and left to let your imagination run riot.
In NLP it's called abruptly breaking rapport, and it actually leaves you feeling so daft and lost and judged and confused, as if someone pulled your chair away just as you sat down.
The long silence. The one that would be so inconsequential if everything was normal, but when you are on tenterhooks to know whether you blew it, feels like being snubbed, ignored, cold-shouldered. Except you can't wrap your head round that or come down to the nitty-gritty of how salveagable the situation may be, nor what you need to do about it, because you don't actually know for sure.
It will wear me down in the end. I don't know how to do the dance, you see, I will wait so long in torment and then, being the all or nothing sort, when I can no longer tolerate hanging on with all hope, I will cut off completely.
When you've done it wrong, people who respect you will tell you, won't they? No beating about the bush, but direct and honest condemnation or whatever else it is they want to express. The way I see it, if they don't have the time or the be-bothered to let you know where their thoughts are, then they don't really have much invested in the acquaintance. If they acted that way deliberately as some sort of punishment then, well, no, I really hope people grow out of that sort of ner-ner-na-ner-ner poison before they leave the schoolyard.
I guess I beat myself up too much, too often. I allow people to hurt me, and then I hurt myself wondering if they felt it was deserved, or if it really was deserved. In the end, when I am left to guess, to assume, to put two and two together; when (and in this case if) it turns out that connections have been severed with no explanation, then the residual feeling is one of dissappointment, not at anyones behaviour (my own included) but that I mistook a shallow person with a 'pick-em-up-and-drop-em' attitude for someone with a bit more backbone. That I completely misjudged. It will all lead back to worrying that I trust too quickly.
I don't want to be untrusting just to protect myself, but I am fed up with feeling confused and stupid when I come across people who seem to fly into your life, be unusually friendly and personal and then fly out again without the decency to let you know. Its so bloody frustrating.
Is this me displaying idiosyncracies close to the Aspie borderline again, or am I normal? Am I just a control freak with an unnatural need to understand whats going on? Do you ever get this too? Respect me enough to be brutally honest, please; I'd really appreciate that because I genuinely want to know.