05 November 2005

If In Doubt, Do Something Stupid.

See? I'm learning about myself; so it's all good stuff, which brings me to the question: Whats the worst disaster you have ever cooked and still eaten?

As an update:

Kids gone: To Lewes with their big sister, for the 400th Firework display, or somesuch.

Husband gone: To the shops. He is on male weekend time - the type where he says he'll be an hour and swears he only took an hour, even when he turns back up around teatime. I think its got something to do with the spatial vortex fitted as standard to the over-door heaters in betting shops. Funny how watching a two minute dog race can take an hour in real time.

To divert myself from waves of panic and jealousy regarding the children, I decided that as it was about noon, breakfast was in order. All very well, if there was anything usual in the house, but I had to get creative.

Grabbing my trusty 1950s cookbook, turning to page 226, creativity took too strong a hold.

Instead of knocking up a batch of English pancakes, I decided to try the recipe for American pancakes instead - calling for such little extras as butter and baking powder. I also put two eggs in because we were short of milk.

I now know that American pancakes are less like crepes and more like, well, shallow-fried cake.

I also discovered that if you give up mucking around with egg rings a la griddle cakes, and instead pour the lot in one pan and make an eight inch monstrosity, a quarter inch thick, then half way through you get the sensation that you are consuming incredibly heavy, sugared Yorkshire pudding - not the proper, light, oven baked stuff, but the slightly over greasy and mechanically aeriated supermarket stuff. Maybe I'll try baking powder in my next toad-in-the-hole. Maybe not.

I've never actually swallowed a lead balloon; however..............

Your turn - tell!


ME Strauss said...

I'm laughing so hard. What? Me cook? You have to be kidding!

doris said...

LOL I'm sure I have plenty of nightmares to share but can't think at the moment.

It's good to hear that everything is back to 'normal' now :-)

bart said...

worst cooking disaster... must have been the liver episode 20 years ago... either i got something wrong or the stuff was off to start with... everything started erupting north and south in the course of the evening and i spent most of the night doing sentry duty in the bathroom... f*ing marvellous, as they say...

keep well ;-)

Nonny said...

When i first got married many many moons ago i once cut up a lettuce and put it in a pan because i thought it was a cabbage.

jane said...

Eggs instead of milk? I love pancakes but they're a no-no for me. But sometimes still, I cheat.

What time is teatime & is it every night? Do you have crumpets or something else with it? And is it a family thing nightly?

The worst thing I cooked, I did last year. Gourd. The kind of decorative gourd one uses for thanksgiving. A lady at the market said I could eat it, so I cooked it. It had the most metallic, bitter taste that I got sick from almost just handling it. I almost went to the ER & yet, I kept cooking it cuz she said it's edible. Poor, poor Tarzan took a bite of it & said, "what the hell is this?"
It's something I won't be cooking again.

fineartist said...

One Christmas my mother invited all of us to her house for dinner.

We were all supposed to bring a covered dish, only mother forgot to cook the ham, and everyone, but me, forgot to bring a dish.

I cooked and brought my ex mother-in-law’s pumpkin cake, only I forgot to add the sugar.

We ate it anyway, while we waited for the pizza guy to show up. Heck, we were all starving,

and it would have been really good if I had remembered to put in the sugar. Blast it.

Le laquet said...

Oh, now they sounded not to bad until you got to the "lead balloon bit" :: right confession time!

When I first moved to Medway from Swansea, I was brassic / on the bone of my arse poor and so shared a house with another teacher and her kids. We quickly became (and still are) the very best of friends and shared all bills (as you do) including food. One Thursday evening, 2 days before payday she was cooking lemon chicken, walked away to do something else and burnt the dinner. She was inconsolable - no food left, 2 hungry children, no money etc.

So, I got a sachet of sweet & sour sauce out of the fridge (the very last thing in there), mixed it in, added more water and a tablespoon of tomato ketchup and let it simmer for 10 mins. It was foul, but I presented it to the children as "Louisana chargrilled chicken"; they cleaned their plates and requested a repeat performance for the next week. Neither Ruth or I ate ~ she was still too upset and I had already tasted it!!

BTW ~ did you know, there's one of those spatial vortex thingummyjigs in the doorway of every B&Q too?

zilla said...

Pancakes! My dad called them gut-bombs and he was right. I can't eat one without feeling sluggish the entire day.

Creating a tasty meal by the seat of my pants with whatever's on hand seems to be my one domestic gift, but I do have a funny recipe story from a high school friend.

Each year at Thanksgiving some smarty-pants DJ on the radio would read the same ridiculous recipe for turkey and popcorn stuffing. My friend's mother never caught on that it was a joke, and one year actually attempted to make the recipe, which called for one cup of unpopped popcorn instead of bread crumbs for the stuffing mixture. The punch line is, "stuff the bird, put it in the oven at 350, and when the popcorn blows the ass off the turkey, it's done.

Long story short, the corn never popped so the bird was charred and dry.