10 November 2005

I DID Try To Get Help, But.......................

A transcript of the answering service recently installed at Rampton Mental Institute. Allegedly.


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessively compulsive
, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone else to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want! Stay on the line so we can trace your call!

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press as no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic press 969696969696969696

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder
please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem please hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you so bugger off.

5 comments:

Kim said...

Oh Cheryl, they'd have me pressing buttons all day!

ME Strauss said...

Could you repeat that one more time? Too many of them apply to me and I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to do. I'm getting really nervous and confused. I also have a rotary phone . . ..

I think I'll have the honey mustard dressing please.

Cheryl said...

Yay I got a comment from KIM!!!

Everybody who reads this - go read Kim. I NEVER comment on her blog because every time I read it it just makes me realise that by comparison I really need to get a life, and then I feel to boring and unfunny amd inferior to say anything!

ME Strauss :D :D <--- huge grins. Me too. I think.

fineartist said...

So…that’s how you make contact with the mother ship?

I loved this Cheryl and hadn’t seen it before, thanx.

Annie said...

An oldy but a goody! One of my favourite jokes. I have a slightly different version on my health blog. I've been reading your blog back to front today. I hope the penny doesn't do any harm before you go to the hospital. I'm glad you enjoyed your steak, and the cider. I love reading your blog because you write so descriptively it's almost like being there.