Christmas Letter

Delete as applicable then [post to North Pole/stuff up chimney/thrust into street-corner-Santa's collection tin], as desired:

Dear [Santa Claus / Saint Nicolas / Father Christmas / Pagan Troll / Obese Trespassing Altruist / Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],

This year, I have been a very [good / bad / materialistic / passive aggressive / manipulative / Ritalin-addled] little [boy / girl / TV watcher / advertising tampon].

I have [not / sometimes / compulsively] [lied / cheated / embezzled / pillaged / murdered], and I have [always / often / rarely / never] helped my [mommy / daddy / grandma / grandpa / brother / sister / mommy's "special friend" / other daddy] with their [chores / homework / taxes / pyramid schemes / colostomy bag].

I always say thank you, which makes me [nice / polite / seem like I care] and so I deserve lots of [love / presents / blank checks / age-inappropriate pants] this year.

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life:

For my mommy, please bring [perfume / earrings / Valium / fruit / leather panties / the onset of menopause / daddy's testicles in a vice].

For my daddy, please bring a new [neck tie / razor / money clip / dead-end job / Rogaine prescription / topaz-studded ass plug].

For my [big / little] [brother / sister], please bring [a soccer ball / fingernail polish / Legos / GI Joe / Barbie / methadone / Newport Lights 100's / a diaphragm / a subscription to Guns & Ammo].

For my [doggy / hamster / ferret], please bring [a chew toy / a cableknit sweater / kibble / breath mints / a homeopathic heartworm remedy / non- surgical sterilization].

Oh ­ and for my [babysitter / mail man / cleaning lady / pool boy / case worker], please bring some [fruit cake / coupons / worthless tchotchkes / work ethic].

Now about me! Please bring me all of the [Harry Potter / Scooby Doo / Spider Man / Star Wars / Spongebob Squarepants / Anna Nicole Smith] [action figures / videos / breakfast cereal / pajamas / sheets / beer coozies / toilet paper], and front row tickets to [Eminem / Britney Spears / Aaron Carter / Mary-Kate and Ashley / GWAR / Philip Glass] ­ plus backstage passes so I can get [autographs / behind the scenes / coked up / airborne chlamydia].

Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my [pool / go-kart / jet-ski / pony / Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0 / amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just [£ / $] [100 / 1000 / 10,000 / 100,000 / 1,000,000 / 10,000,000 / $100,000,000].

Anyway, I hope you like the [cookies / cake / pudding / Jell-O / meatloaf / cognac / eight-ball] I left out for you.

[Love / Sincerely / Yours / Breathlessly],

[ insert name here ]

P.S. Please say [hi / hello / sit and swivel / Merry Christmas] to [Rudolph / Mrs. Claus / the baby Jesus / Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster].

P.P.S. Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He / She] has been a really [naughty / selfish / corrupt / perverted / homicidal] [dork / weener / cry-baby / coprophile / vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put [coal / sticks / homework / dog shit / ebola] in their stocking.

Thanks!