One Cheryl, Instructions For Use

This is a tricky model, needing plenty of TLC.
Can function on one week of broken sleep, but expect various systems to need a major overhaul if such misuse continues.
A low cost runner, it requires three meals a day but can survive without shopping for weeks or months at a time.
Generally manageable except during favourite telly program or last mouthful of food. If you must ask it to respond or exhibit cerebral capacity during those moments, use a long taper and stand well back.
Low performance, it can show bursts of speed but prefers to cruise.
Dodgy brakes; once well revved, do not allow to go downhill.
Comes fitted with internal diagnostic program. Brain occasionally needs a kick start, achieved by banging head on desk and counting to ten, sometimes augmented with extraneous use of foul language directed at kitchen walls, computer or other inanimate objects.
It is recommended that you schedule a complete service once every six months, revving all systems at full and/or switching them off completely. Be aware this may result in: abusive treatment of husband, cat, possessions; inability to give a flying fart if the house burns down.

Guess thats it then, I'm overdue a service.