31 January 2007

Talking Myself Out Of A Happy Birthday

Update at bottom of post.

A zillion reasons to call the whole thing off

  • Its almost that week of the month.
  • I am fat.
  • I am evil tempered.
  • I've had to give up on wearing my smart trousers tonight and opt for the larger-wasted jeans because everything else is cutting me in half.
  • They fall down if I stand up,
  • The only belt that fits has a pointy buckle and it digs in if I sit down.
  • I also dyed my hair today, semi permanent, nat. dark brown, same as last month, except Superdrug were out of stock so I used Boots.
  • Its crap.
  • This morning I had a silver stripe if I made a central parting. Now its orange, and smelly, and wider than before because the damned ammonia lifted some of last month's colour at the same time.
  • It also made my fingertips feel scarily sticky when wet.
  • And like they have excema when dry.
  • I can't find my eyebrow wax.
  • I look like some hairy neanderthal wild woman who can't find her eyebrow wax.
  • I have never been this fat before in my life.
  • I could probably handle it if I could still sit on my ankles, or breathe properly, or not feel like I was walking round in a sumo suit.
  • We're going to the Komedia club and I've never been there before.
  • I've never been to a comedy thingummy at all before.
  • I hate new experiences when someone else has high hopes or expectations based on my reaction. I'd much sooner know whether or not I like something BEFORE my partner is going to sulk for a week if I dont.
  • I would have sooner gone to the music event because they are more predictable - no smoke, no other noise, seats facing front etc.
  • The comedy tickets are cheaper.
  • My inner witch is saying things about that and I am ignoring her with gritted teeth.
  • I didnt get any present from him or the kids this morning 'because we are going out instead'. Oh yup, she has things to say there, too.
  • I have this fear that the Komedia will be packed to the hilt with noisy, derogatory, self-involved 20 and 30-somethings.
  • I dont want to spend my night in a schoolyard for brats with car keys and designer handbags and too much money.
  • I have this fear that its going to reek deliciously of cigarettes and tobacco and I will turn into a craven maniac chewing the foul, beer spattered carpet for want of a smoke before the first turn even gets to the stage.
  • I think I have an ulcer from the blood thinners. It would explain why my skin from ribs to belly button is as tight as a medicine ball right now.
  • It would also explain why working myself up like this means my throat is burned to a crisp.
  • I'm more involved in where the Rennies are than where I left my purse.
  • If they don't serve coffee at this rate I am going to have to sip one beer, very, very, slowly.
  • Part of me just wants to spoil it all right now, to be done with all this acid-making anticipation. What a brat I can be.
  • Oh yes, and I'm fat. Did I mention that?

(Wish me luck....)

UPDATE:
It was brilliant! We laughed ourselves silly and even ended up with seats in the front row. I was making whooping noises in the applause, it was that good. Then I got back home and found out that you lot are the best blog-friends ever! Talk about a wonderful birthday.
Its five minutes to February here now, so I cant hang around and say more, except, THANK YOU!!! :-)

21 comments:

Ms Mac said...

You can call off birthdays? Godammit, if I'd known that 13 years ago, I'd still be 23!

Rain said...

Cheryl, I wish you the best birthday ever. You are not fat, you are lovely!

poet266 said...

I hereby designate another day for you to celebrate your birthday in any which way you choose.

I always wanted another birthday in June like the Queen...

Happy Birthday for today

xxxx

Stegbeetle said...

I know this isn't going to help but "its going to reek deliciously of cigarettes and tobacco and I will turn into a craven maniac chewing the foul, beer spattered carpet for want of a smoke" made me laugh out loud. Still not over the craving, then?

I have to say that not only would I not have got away with not providing pressies because we were "going out instead", I would have had the good sense not to try.

Don't kill him on your birthday. Not in public anyway.

And it may not be appropriate to say it at this juncture but Happy Birthday, babe. I hope you enjoy yourself despite everything.

Miss Cellania said...

Oh, come on now, you're beautiful. Happy Birthday! The best is yet to come.

Writer Mom said...

Did you have fun??

(Try that in a really high pitched and annoying American voice.)

We made you a little something. Ron did, actually. Come and see? If you're home early from the show, I mean.

Happy Birthday!!!

(And aren't you thrilled you also get to go to a baby shower on Saturday?? This is totally your week!)

fineartist said...

"They fall down when I stand up." Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I have a pair of those pants, I wore them for thanksgiving, only after dinner they didn't fall down anymore.

I'll bet cha you have a great time!

))))Happy birthday lovey hugs((((

zilla said...

Glad you had a good time!

(Myrtle says she still secretly enjoys second hand smoke, btw. She quit ... twenty-five months ago? I commend you both.)

ella m. said...

Happy birthday! If you should ever need a spoiled twentysomething smack patrol when trying to enjoy yourself, let me know, it'd be my pleasure :D

Erin said...

Happy Happy Birthday Cheryl! (like it or not, so there!)

Le laquet said...

BUT ... you are looking particularly lovely in your new photo over there *points at profile* And how brave sitting in the front seat at a comedy club ~ heckled at all?

Ms Melancholy said...

I missed your birthday! Glad you and inner witch enjoyed it x

fineartist said...

I just knew you would have a great time. Those comedy clubs rock.

The last time we went they asked us to NOT make so much noise, we were laughing so hard people were having trouble hearing. The man on stage told them to leave us alone, then he looked at me and said, "You don't get out much do you hon?" It was so fun.

Once when my sister Pam went the guy on stage grabbed her purse and fished around for her billfold, when he found it he said, "Is there a girl in here named Pam who doesn't have shit in her checking account?"

Oh, and I'm fat too, your point? Heh heh. xxx

Doris said...

Happy Belated Birthday Wishes!

Glad the comedy club was great - that was a great turn up for the books.

As a fellow January birthday girl I entirely commiserate with you. It's a bummer of a month to be having a birthday though some of the best people are born in January ;-)

At this end, darling beloved still hasn't gotten the hang of organising the kids and "just doing" such that I had the entire day of not knowing if I was going to be remembered. So that by dinner time (which I made whilst finishing off the Christmas Baileys which was 3 rather large glasses full) and daughter had finally emerged they did the "birthday thing" and I was quite beyond caring being completely off my head. Sadly, the photographs of me opening my presents reveals a Father Christmas look-a-like with fat ruby red cheeks and nose, with a stupid grin and blanket pulled up to my neck as I am not well either. Oh, such are the joys of being a woman.

Hugs xxx

Sassy said...

Aww Cheryl...I'm fat too! Let's start our own fat club. :p And I think you are beautiful!

Jo said...

Oh sod...I only missed it....!!!! :-(

I'm fat too. And my trousers don't fit. And all the rest. And I love comedy clubs. And it's been wayyyyy too long since I've been to one (did see John Hegley last year who was good).

But. Enough.Glad you had a fab time :-)

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY CHERYL!.

You are, as they say in Geordieland where my folks come from (well half, the other half are Irish)...a marra* (mmm questionable spelling?)

Jo xx

* mate

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
beckyboop said...

I'm so glad you had a happy birthday. Laughing is such a great release. That's all you needed was to laugh. Oh, how I remember the PMS days. I don't miss them at all! Nope! I missed out on the Cheryl Birthday tribute :( I was with them all in spirit. You are a beautiful woman.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!

xxoo, Becky

beckyboop said...

What in the flippity hell is that anonymous comment on your blog? It wasn't there when I was posting my comment. It's really freaky.

Cheryl said...

Dear Anonymous
Thank you for your very long comment. You obviously put a lot of thought into it.
I have an email copy, but it was too long for my comments box.

Atyllah said...

Oh no! I missed it! Happy Belated Birthday, Cheryl!