13 January 2007

Dear Big Brother

Dear Big Brother (or is it Endemol?*)

You are running out of celebrities this year, it seems. (1, 2, 3)

It looks like someone too influential forgot that ordinary people like to gawp at celebrities being flawed and human, not caged and humiliated. OK perhaps theres a niche market for that, but niche is the word.

It seems that the big whip (or perhaps the new broom), in the blindly aggressive drive to imagine completely new twists and hooks to the whole experience, has got poor desperate ideas people (ideas kiddies I suspect) scraping the bottom of the barrel. Reminds me of Letitia Cropley's masterpieces, always with a new yet horrifying twist.

Anyway, having slagged you all off, I'm not proud, so, can I play?

I know you might be looking for a bloke or two, but in my defence,

* I am 45 (average in the house this year)

* I am currently fat and I snore, like Ken

* I am on tablets, and fart like Jackiey (well, no, I'm pretty damn certain they're not the same tablets, but still)

* I am opinionated like Carole

* As yabbering, wild haired, aggravating and stubborn as Leo

* As crude, sarcastic and um, individual as Donny

* Added extra: I am between sizes in my cheap jeans and only have the two pair, so walk around either cut in half by the smaller pair, or constantly heaving the larger ones back up a la building-site-worker. Its a farce.

To top it all if fake pseudocelebrity is a must, I could convincingly pretend to be Griff Rhys Jones' secret, institutionalised half-sister....

or Russell Brand's mum.
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(Actually now I think about it the two cover stories are not mutually exclusive and could run together).

So, are we game?



*Or rather, so new they can't even sort the website, 'Brighter Pictures'.


Anonymous said...

*laughs so hard bladder control becomes an issue*

Anonymous said...

Really am utterly unable to comment as the Big Brother phenomenon, which I suppose I should research in the interests of intergalactic whatsit, has been totally lost on me - along with the Eurovision song contest and Survivor.

Anonymous said...

Oh Cheryl.. you do make me laugh y'know! Just for you..

Sang to the tune of "One Man Band"

"Underpants man
Nobody knows or understands
Is there anybody out there wanna vote for the man
He's an underpants man"

Sang to the tune of "More than I can say"

"Woa woa, yeah yeah
I love pants more than I can say,
Can't wear them again tomorrow, Love my pants, I'm Leo Sayer"

Other classics yet to write..
"Thunder in my pants",
"When I need pants",
"You make me feel like walkin'" (sang to jade)


Cheryl said...

I am so dumb, but now the penny drops. Your old blog remained on my private blogroll in case you came back, but here you were all the time. Brilliant!
P.S. Mrs also-aquarius - whens the B-day?

Anonymous said...

Three is a magic number :)

The change came with Beta.It was Beta watch out, Beta beware that I had to go and make a new one!

Glad you're back too!

Hugs more

Tabby Rabbit said...

Hang on, I've missed all this. They have Jade, her bf and her mum? With Leo Sayer and 'H' from Steps? And 'Templeton Peck'.

*Stunned silence*

Cheryl said...

Leo Sayer stormed out sooner than wash his own underpants, but Jermaine Jackson is hanging on in there....


zilla said...

I'm very confused.

I recognized the name Leo Sayer. "Long Tall Glasses," right?

When folks go off about current entertainment, I'm just utterly clueless, but thought I'd say Hi anyway.

beckyboop said...

I'm with Zilla. I'm confused. Leo Sayer? "All by Myself", Leo Sayer? Is he on a reality show? What? Is this a reality show where celebs are all living in house and voting each other out?


Anonymous said...

Nah...Becky...All By Myself was Eric Carmen, and that was actually good!

Leo Sayer. Seventies mini-icon, voice like his nuts were being crushed slowly in a vice, hair like he had just put his finger in the electric socket.

I think he's better now. Meaner. Ruder.

And you're right Cheryl they are running out of celebs...your time is coming babe :-)