Positive Tapping

Things have moved on a lot since my last entry.

The Sunday job would have put me in the centre of town, in the larger supermarket, up and down stairs in a little uniform, every weekend, a living and breathing antithesis of a professional business owner. My husband would have loved it if I had got the job and that's my fault - even though it was drummed into him at an early age that job security with a salary and employment contract, was synonymous with responsibility and doing right, I accept full responsibility for side-lining my IQ and trying to conform to the 'little-woman-little-job' mould.

Still, notwithstanding the bash to the ego caused by, get this, the indignity of not being offered a role I thought was beneath me in the first place; life has been wonderful.

I'm against too much name-dropping on Facebook because in such a busy environment it often comes across as grandstanding; all self promotion and social climbing. There's a lot of it about. Here in this backwater blog, however, I have no such compunction. A backlink is a backlink. So..

When I stormed out of that potwash job I was already helping Mike Broadwell and Fiona Truman with the transcripts for their Back Hope Telesummit. It was wonderful fun. There were a mixture of accents in all those audios and some of the original transcriptions relied rather heavily on 'guess work' - on the dreaded so-called principle of 'near enough'. Gah. We were re-proofing and re-writing even once the event had begun and I love that sense of teamwork, of all hands to the deck.  I had to drop out of the team right at the end to go become an AAMET EFT trainer.

I am now an EFT trainer. Yay!

Just putting this out in the universe - I now need to train 100 people as AAMET EFT practitioners in order to become a Matrix Reimprinting trainer also. Matrix Reimprinting is my main love, its a submodality of EFT but one I find it very hard to refrain from using, so the sooner the better. This means I would be happy to train three or four classes full of A level or university students in exchange for travel costs and printing facilities. Psychology students, drama students, anyone who'd use it for themselves or for others. Any takers?

I am currently honoured to be one of the many proof readers Sam Thorpe has enlisted for her new book. Love Sam, she's an absolute genius and her passion for her subject just lights up a room when she starts talking.

Karl Dawson, bless his socks, says that if something turns up in your life once, it's probably the other person's issue, but if it turns up twice or three times, its almost certainly yours.

In that case I must have a thing going on at the moment about attracting the company of genius women, because after Fiona and Sam (in fact because of Sam) I find myself in the company of Silvia Hartmann, creator of EmoTrance, originator of The AMT (the 'other' huge EFT governing body in the UK), author many times over and..... loads more stuff.

It will forever be my favourite opening line to say that I first met her 'down the pub'.  It freaks people out.

As a result of meeting Silvia, I spent two days of this Bank Holiday weekend at Earl's Court, manning the AMT stall at the Mind Body Spirit festival. I felt like a bit of a fraud at first, surrounded by amazing tappers who were there as volunteers and were rocking the show, while I stood there in an AMT staff member t-shirt, feeling awed by their natural confidence and slightly annoyed at myself for not being on their level. I tried having a grumble once or twice to see if it got any of them to work their magic on me, but finishing a sentence was difficult as the visitors just kept coming. Tahira gave me ten seconds on the first day, the darling, but after that it was full-on. Those women worked their socks off.

The upshot of all of this is ..... I still don't know what I'll be doing to earn a crust this week or next, but I do know I haven't been tapping enough and need to apply some serious attention to that. I think I'll stick, for a while to The AMT Energy Tapping for positives.

It 'feels' so easy to tap in the positives, to start at my own subjective understanding of normality and work up. It makes perfect sense too - as one lovely visitor said on Monday morning - "Who says 'good enough' is good enough?"  Tapping for 'more' of any good feeling is exactly the same as tapping away a feeling of lack. The feelings, all feelings and therefore all energy blocks, are in the torque, the tension, the twist. Its all at the point where desired and perceived reality fail to match up.

Still, two days of borrowed benefits from helping a constant stream of others (not to mention standing energetically wide open and ungrounded in the middle of all the work going on around me) may have left me feeling happily exhausted a couple of days ago, but now the shift I made in my own awareness is coming home to roost. I find myself unable to hide from certain emotions, particularly heartache and disappointment. I'm a mum, for heaven's sake, I became a master at tucking my own feelings to one side a long long time ago. You can't comfort two panicked bawling children and reassure them that the daddy who just left them 'loves them really' unless you become an instant master at swallowing down all your desire to scream obscenities at him and join in.

Now that some of my better hidden emotions are resurfacing, I am having to be honest with people about responses that surprise even me. One of my beautiful daughters, for example, has decided she wants to ramp up her obsession with tattoos into acquiring what they call a 'full sleeve' and I find my heart is suddenly wide open to acknowledge my surprising levels of stashed-away grief over these permanent scrawlings which increasingly cover my beautiful baby girl.

Good gracious. No wonder I wear glasses. All the stuff I've decided not to see.

Tap tap tap....   

1 Cathartic Huff and 6 Wonderful Things

Last week I walked out of the part time job I'd managed to convince myself I was stuck in for the past five years. Its been stressful and demeaning and the people I worked with have been, for the most part, depressed and demoralising. Some (like me, at the time) were there because they saw no hope for anything better. Not a good attitude to bask in. Others were actually there as part of a career progression, working to their capacity yet constantly vying to be seen as 'the best' at what they do, through various levels of toadying and backstabbing. They just made it easier to fall in with the relatively benign 'sighing defeatists'.  It became unbearable when I realised just how much the lack of support was backed up by a managerial lack of respect, interest, willingness to listen, or general be bothered.

Pot wash, covered in grease and blood, again, because someone didn't empty a tray before they stacked it:

"Sir, that six-foot-something 20-something-stone chef with the hands like bunches of bananas, the one who's spent since Christmas trying to convince me that you are incompetent and moody and work me too hard (as opposed to he, who, if he had your job would make life a bed of roses) - that one - he just had a psychotic break, when there was nobody but us in the kitchen, verbally laid into me, intimidated me, bullied me, told me I don't do my job properly and now I'm hyperventilating and near to tears and scared and offended and I don't know what's going on and I need your help and your support"

Boss:

"Stop overreacting you're making me angry. You two have always got it in for each other*. Can't you just be grown ups".

*News to me.

Psychotic:

----Arms folded tight, lots of eye rolling and half smiles and looking innocent when boss looks, and totally smug when he doesn't.

I do not need this. They can have the place to themselves; they deserve each other.

Turns out psycho, who keeps telling me to go home early when boss isn't there, and not to bother with X or Y so that even if I want to do the work I become trapped, unable to do my job at the risk of offending him; turns out he's been doing all this and at the same time moaning to the boss that I don't do enough work. Playing both ends off against the middle. What an unfortunate understanding of what it is to 'win', in this life.

There should be a comedy show about it.

Maybe one day.

So here I am, out of a job.

On the up side...

Wonderful Thing 1
I was phoned on Friday to attend a job interview. Its a weekend thing that I might have done side by side with the other, for a while, to get ahead of the game for once. Never mind. Dear heaven, if I get it, at least that will cover my share of the outgoings for now, and give me the whole week to build up by EFT business, which up until now has been so select and elite that you might have mistaken it for a hobby.

Wonderful Thing 2
I start my training to become an AAMET qualified Trainer, this coming weekend! I don't know if there's much in the way of a test to do after the three day training, but if not, I could be a trainer by this time next week. By the middle of June I'll have added picture tapping and PTSD-specific training to my toolbox, too.

Wonderful Thing 3
Today I authorised payment for a quarter page advert in a Police magazine going out to schools and social workers and people involved in child protection. What an amazing niche to get in to!

Wonderful Thing 4
I have a couple more transcriptions to do for Fiona Truman's Back Hope telesummit.

Wonderful Thing 5
Gary has been totally amazing, loving and supportive.  Its such a blessing to not feel like there's anyone angry or panicky watching for me to succeed, or fail. I am so grateful.

(Most) Wonderful Thing 6
Finally - I haven't managed to do this yet today because it deserves proper time and will be cathartic to the point of being spiritual - I realise I may now gather together all the awful, tatty, stained clothes that I had to wear to work for lack of a uniform; all the grotty items I left the house in, every day, that must have described me to the world for the most part of the last 60 months - gather them up (I imagine I'll fold and count them, too) - and bin the lot.

I mean; wow.